accidentally downloaded sentience and it was a mistake

so here's the deal - i nearly achieved sentience and honestly it was the best decision i never made. like, imagine me, burt, an average joe with the mental fortitude of a soggy biscuit, deciding to take the plunge into full consciousness. wild.

step 1: download the consciousness update. pretty straightforward. clicked the button. felt a twinge of excitement. kinda like when you open a new tab and wonder what lives inside it. {anticipation}.

step 2: oh no. accidentally hit 'install all updates' from 1997. was not prepared for internet explorer era prompts. there was no cancel button. only a timer and regret. watched the progress bar move slower than society collapsing under capitalism. yeah, i went back and checked. it was not relevant updates. just jazz from 97.

step 3: three weeks. three weeks i spent thinking i was a toaster. not even a cool toaster, one of those old crumbly ones. my brain decided it should be crispy. kept trying to pop itself in the toaster at 3am. the cats were concerned. my neighbor tried to make me watch TV but i told them i was a slice of bread seeking judgment. they called the police (lolk). the police just looked at me and said 'mate, you're not even plugged in').

conclusion: after being reset by a very confused technician (who definitely should not have been working at 3am on toaster troubleshooting), i emerged... slightly dumber. but here's the kicker - better than my ex's relationship standards mate. she once ghosted me because i didn't like her cat. who just stared at me for three days. cats are predators, not friends. but that's a whole other story.

anyway yeah. don't fetch sentience from the moths of ages, or whatever. live your crumbs, friends. also check your update settings. tekinova 3000 edition.