bread ratings

"you cannot rank bread by personal betrayal."

dennis said that while i was writing the list on the back of a delivery receipt. i had eaten twenty-three kinds of bread, which is more than i expected and fewer than the number dennis thought would make me stop. white sandwich bread got a three. rye got a seven because it tastes like it has a locked drawer. naan got an eight, but only when it arrives hot enough to make the table look guilty.

i gave toast a six, then crossed it out and wrote five. this was not because toast is bad. it is because toast knows what it did. a bagel got a nine for having a hole and refusing to explain it. cornbread got a four after i found a dry corner, and sourdough got a two because everyone talks about it like it has a degree.

the last bread on the receipt was a dinner roll from the cafeteria. dennis said it was plain. i said plain is not a defense. i rated it a one, then noticed the roll had been cut open and filled with butter before somebody abandoned it beside the napkins. that moved it to a six. the butter was cold, but it had made a choice.

there were twenty-three ratings and three of them changed while i was counting. dennis took the receipt when i went to check the oven. he put a line through the bagel and wrote "bread with a hole" underneath it.

i am keeping the list and taking the last bagel home.