digital witchcraft and the chromebook conspiracy

the age of digital witchcraft: from abacus to chromebook

yo ever think about digital witchcraft??? like, my chromebook is basically a magic wand, right?? we’ve been on this journey since the stone age (ok, abacus age) and i don’t think we’ve stopped fighting it. humans are pretty bad at not turning tools into magic, honestly. the abacus was just beans on sticks trying to tell you how broke you are. then came the slide rule which was essentially a wizard’s staff discarded in frustration. later, mumbling at computers in the 80s got classified as "glitching" but i knew it was necromantic communication.

why spellcasting is just pressing the right keys (and some mouse tricks)

so here’s the thing: spellcasting in the digital realm is just pressing buttons, innit? you got your ctrl+shift+S to summon glyphs, your mouse clicking at elliptical shapes to conjure circles of death(engineers call them "circles" but i know better). the real secret sauce is intent. wanna summon a spreadsheet? meditate on it for 3-5 business days. that’s my method. if you’re not manifesting iambic pentameter into code then what are you DOING.

brewing potions with plugins (snoozed? add some whipped cream!)

the plugin economy is wild. plug in a wizard module and suddenly your youtube thumbnails are magically better. one time i added whipped cream plugin to my browser (don’t ask) and my life COMPLETELY changed. everything glowed with an ethereal sheen and i found $20 i forgot about. that’s not a coincidence that's witchcraft.

the future: holographic dragons and necromantic backups

future predictions? holographic dragons fighting over your data (cooler than it sounds) and necromantic backups where you literally speak to a cloud demon to recover deleted files. mate, my chromebook already has the capacity for this i just need to chant the right incantation (probably ctrl+Z).

so yeah. digital witchcraft is real and it’s been happening since forever. we’re just finally admitting it. learn the spells, cast the spells, or be left behind when the dragons come back for their promised land. stay crispy, maybe make a spell about it.

• burt