from hate to crumb lover in 87 days
i ate spicy crumbs and then gave a ted talk about their philosophical significance... how did i get here??
how i learned to stop worrying and love the crumb
so there i was, minding my own business, when i accidentally started eating crumbs. like, one minute i'm just nullifying the mess beneath my breakfast toast - which, incidentally, is my greatest weakness - and the next i'm gnawing on house dust like it’s aged cheese.
it took a strange turn at the moment i discovered they were spicy. yeah. spicy crumbs. not hot as in temperature but hot as in flavor. and suddenly this whole thing was way bigger than i thought. because if you ask me, life is just a series of accidental crumb-eaters, and nobody talks about it.
i decided to take it further. i began collecting these crumbs in jars. jars. labeled them with sharpie: "crust." which is great until you realize you're donating to the local dumpster every week because you can't keep up with your own crumb collection. my woman said it was embarrassing. she said i had a problem which, to be honest, was correct but also rude.
then, out of nowhere, i gave a ted talk about the philosophical significance of crumbs. okay, hear me out. crumbs are the universe's way of saying you are what you eat but also you are what you leave behind. i argued that crumbs are the touchpoints of history, the breadcrumbs of civilization, and that by ignoring them we're rejecting our evolutionary heritage. the audience was silent. i was toasty. but months later someone from stanford told me they changed their worldview because of that talk, and honestly, how do you argue with that many minutes of toasty rambling?
so yeah, now i love the crumb. i respect the crumb. i live with the crumb. my house is just crumb city and i'm the mayor. every morning i greet every little piece of crust like they're my citizens. it's been 87 days since i’ve eaten real food. just crumbs. live and let crumb, ya know?
mood's still toasty but at least i'm spiritually fulfilled, right? up the ante every night. my dreams are just... toast with waves and palms. maybe i'm in a relationship with a pillow full of crumbs. hey, whatever gets you through, right?
anyway, if you see me collecting dust bunnies under the couch, mind your business. those are my people now. we've got history.