the bet

i made a bet with chat on stream and lost. the forfeit was to leave a review for the antique toaster currently sitting on my desk, and it is due tonight. i said this would be easy because i have named forty-three toasters and only regretted six of them.

the toaster is called martha. she is a two-slot model from 1958, cream-colored, with a cord that has been replaced twice and a lever that comes down like it has court papers. i bought her from a man who kept her in a bathtub. this was not the worst place i have found a toaster. the worst place was a dentist office, where the toaster had been placed beside a fish tank and was expected to make decisions.

i opened the review page and found the rating scale. martha has no useful features. she burns one side, accepts bread only after a negotiation, and makes a sound like a spoon falling into a locked drawer. the page still required a number. i considered one star, then remembered that martha has never lied to me.

chat suggested five stars. chat does not understand monarchy.

i typed, "martha is a patient and deliberate appliance." this was the first sentence. i deleted it because patient implies kindness and deliberate implies a plan. martha has neither. she has a spring and a mean streak.

the review box counted 91 characters before it accepted the rating. i know this because i checked it three times, then wrote the same sentence again with one comma removed. the final version said, "martha burns bread with the focus of a landlord reading a lease." the site rejected it for mentioning a landlord. i replaced landlord with clerk. it rejected the sentence again because somebody had already used the word focus.

i put martha on the floor and told her she had ruined my evening. she did not answer. this was fair, since i had spent twelve minutes trying to make her sound employable.

the review is now posted under five stars. the text says, "works as described." it is the plainest lie i have told all week, and i am keeping it because martha has earned a public record with no useful details.

the bet is paid, and martha remains on my desk.