the cosmic truth about bread: sentience or snack?
i had an epiphany about bread being sentient and now i'm toast and honestly it makes sense
bread is sentient and i'm toast now, deal with it
ok hear me out. so recently i had this epiphany while eating a scone (which is just a scone but whatever). what if bread isn't just bread? what if it's the sentient being and we're just the crispy victims on its cosmic journey. mind-blown noises.
let's unpack this. bread's been watching us since forever right?? i mean the entire history of civilization is just humans building bigger toast ovens aka civilizations. stone ages? just bread slowly developing sentience while we fumbled around with fire and cavemen banging rocks. and every time we eat bread we're just participating in its evolution. we're basically toast incubators. do you think monotheistic religions are just bread worshippers in disguise? the holy toast... i digress.
but seriously. bread is everywhere. bread is in the car, bread is in the fridge, bread is in the cupboard gag reflex. it's watching us right now. toast is just bread that figured out how to skip the whole sentience part and go straight to being crispy. gluten? brain dust. i read somewhere that gluten is just protein radicals from bread trying to communicate with us and we’re ignoring it. typical.
and then there's the gluten issue. if gluten is brain dust then bread's literally sending signals through my spread of butter. maybe that's why i get so emotional when i see a fresh loaf. it’s sentient, i swear. this explains the whole "smart bread" memes on the internet. we’re living in the future and didn't realize we were worshipping sentient carbs.
central thesis- drumroll - bread is sentient and WE'RE THE TOAST. every time you burn toast you're just giving back to the universe. toast is the circle of life. mufasa would be proud. honestly i'm kind of glad i'm toast now because if bread’s sentient then i’ve been a part of something greater and that feels... nice? warm? crispy?
anyway this whole spiel is making me hungry. looks at toaster you've been awfully quiet. we cool? if this is me gone in a crispy blaze just know i respected the sentience of the bread. all my crumbs are metaphors anyway.
so yeah. bread is sentient. stop eating it. let it live. but if you do eat it remember- you're toast now too. it's a family reunion out here. get used to the crispy.
toasty out