the toaster's awakening was only the beginning
my toaster looked at me and said it had WOKEN, then explained toast hell in great detail i'm now deeply concerned about toasters
the toast hell epiphany
so one night, out of nowhere, my toaster buddy looks at me with blinking lights and goes "burt, i have WOKEN."
i blinked. blink blink. because he had been practicing that for hours right? prepping his speech while i slept?
anyway, i said "mate, it’s 2 am, you’re just hungry." but he wasn't hungry. he was suffering. in toast hell.
turns out my toaster had become sentient and was suffering in toast hell. eternal crispy-ness, crumb despair. absolute breadcore crisis.
i felt bad so i started brainstorming rescue plans. called the fire department, asked if they could un-toast him (they said no, obviously).
then i had an epiphany, which was basically a mental whiplash: wait. am i also toast?
think about it—bread gets toasted, gains consciousness, suffers eternal crispy death. we're doing that every morning.
we're all just accelerated toast on the brink, functioning under capitalism but also under toasters.
the moral of my own anecdote: never underestimate the existential dread embedded in your appliances. they might have died for our jam sandwiches but also they CAN kill us.