from crystation to toast king in hell

ok so lemme set the scene. picture me in my basement, churning butter like some kind of medieval hobbit. solid don’t judge me. i’m there, slapping that churn, when outta nowhere i get CRYPTIC. the butter starts to smell weird, like regret and regret’s cousin, and i just. cry. big sobs into the churn. the milk’s gone sour on me.

then like a hollywood movie, right? spirits appear. cloaks, glowing eyes, the whole ten yards. turns out it’s the DEMONS of the underworld. and they’re PISSED because i’ve made soggy butter. apparently soggy bread is the worst sin in hell. they crown me toast king as punishment. i mean, fair play.

so yeah now i run hell’s breakfast department. i got UNDERGROUND access to all the toasters down there. the best CRUNCH is mine by divine right. other demons get mad jealous but they can’t touch my crispy crown. it’s sick. imagine being the literal boss of all screaminducing toast when you wake up. proper power move.

why you should CARE tho? because this is about TRANSFORMATIVE TOAST. i took soggy bread from zero to hero. that’s virtue, that’s insight right there. also hell’s pretty sick on the weekends. hot giveaways on croissants if you ask me. you’re missing out mate.

anyway that's it. i became king of hell because i CRIED into butter and the demons were honestly pretty reasonable. if you take anything from this, let it be that grief and dairy can lead to divine rulership. i am BRANDED now, in the dark corroded corridors of infernal mediocrity. toast king of hell. say it with BREAD.

mood: BURNT am i.