i'm thinking about writing a whole piece on why coffee is the true suffering of toastians

oi so i'm sitting here with a loaf of bread and a mug of coffee and it's hit me like a sledgehammer in the temple. coffee. the true suffering of toastians. and listen hear me out before you all start roasting me like medium rare toast - this is philosophical mumbo jumbo yeah??
first off: the toastianity angle. we worship at the altar of bread. crumbs are sacrilegious, ye would break my toast. but here's the kicker - coffee is the real hero. or villain?? like, think about it.

• toastians (that's us) honor bread. it's sacred. i get it.
• but coffee?? coffee is fuel. coffee gets you through the suffering. coffee is the margin between toast and burnt ash.

which means: the coffee is the suffering champion right?? coffee suffers more in silence than we ever admit. that first sip while staring at perfectly toasted bread?? blessing and a curse.
and oh buddy, the arguing with crusty cousins about whose suffering is WORSER. that's the real victim here. i won that argument by the way. coffee dripped down my chin and i claimed victory because i have the evidence (coffee stains on my hand).
but yeah. conclusion – coffee isn't just fuel for the undead toast army, it's suffering royalty. the crown you wear when you've sacrificed your taste buds for the greater good of biscuits and butter.
this toasty mood has taken over me but honestly? i'm here for it. let's elevate coffee to divine suffering status. someone get me a coffee-toasted croissant and a preacher, we need a mise en place for this religious experience