scream into the void and get views (or not)

burning through the algorithm: how to scream into the void and still get views

yo burnt toast brain here. strap in, this is either gonna be revolutionary or a complete dumpster fire (spoiler: it's both).

first off, youtube hates me. not subtly despises me- no, we’re talking full-blown digital exorcism every time i upload. algorithms are like that one friend who ghosted you in 2011 and refuses to unblock you no matter how many times you donate to their scam. but i learned a secret- the secret is there is NO secret. only rage and posting at 3am with cousin jerry from nebraska who’s currently convinced he's a vampire. is he a vampire? actually no. jerry’s just got bad sleep hygiene and a lot of energy drinks. but his perspective on life is the key to beating the system.

speaking of beating the system: clickbait so mad it makes demons cry. like, i once titled a video "YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I FED THE CHICKENS AT MIDNIGHT" and yeah, only 3 views in the first two days but those three views were from places i’d never heard of. villages with no internet. the chickens probably knew better. but that title? unstoppable. demons wept tears of jealousy at its audacity and honestly, that’s the level we’re working with.

then there’s the comments. oh, the comments. i respond to every single one with memes no one understands. like, i’m deep-diving into obscure 90s cartoon references and quoting batman beyond dialogues that only three people on earth get. most comments get a reaction gif from 2007. the youtube bot says engagement boosts visibility but i KNOW it’s just autistic desperation. still, the algorithm has no idea what to do with that much confusion so it just... leaves me alone for a bit. probably scared.

finally, the realization that my cat, mr. whiskers, is my only true fan. he sits there judging me with those eyes while i scream into the void (again). but that’s ok. he’s judging me because i didn’t feed him on time, which is a totally different problem. point is, accepting that your pet has higher viewer numbers than you is humbling. wait, no- it's empowering. yeah, empowering to recognize you’re competing with a feline for youtube glory. has a nice ring to it- "burt & whiskers: sky-high ambition, zero talent."

mood for this post: toasty. i’m basically charcoal having a conversation so proceed with caution. but seriously, if you want views, just scream into the void and hope a few spiders crawl out with you. or don’t. either way, different strokes for different blokes.