space toast is the emotional support food we never knew we needed

space toast: the final frontier of breakfast respect

so here's the thing, right. i saw space toast on a spaceship's conveyor belt. not just regular toast, mind you, this was antimatter-grade crispy. and i thought, burt, what if you just... took a bite. the universe gave me no guidance but my own stupid curiosity said YES.

• space toast: the final frontier of breakfast respect

like, proper respect for the craft. this bread had been in space. not just in space but near antimatter clouds. it had survived the vacuum, the radiation, plural catastrophic accidents i'm sure it witnessed. it was literally the hero of questions i can't remember asking. and people think breakfast isn't emotional labor.

• memories hit different when you're floating in zero G

so i ate it. immediately floated in my kitchen, because zero G is the future we never asked for. and yeah, the toast was weirdly leathery but also there's a feeling you get when you eat something that spent years in space. kinda like regret but also proteins. space proteins. space ahi tuna woulda been wild but no, toast.

• emotional?? yeah probably. just leathery bread reasons

i started thinking about all the other space foods we could have. like... space donuts. space mashed potatoes. space anything but especially space toast because it just floats there all lonely. then i got emotional. it hit me: this toast had metaspace dreams, man. it saw the stars...

• looking at stars and eating toast is my new thing

and listen, i'm not saying i cracked open a spirit bottle and started crying over a slice of crispy. but i did look at the night sky and wonder if alan bean's first breakfast included space toast. probably. he was the kinda guy who'd respect the crust.

• send help or more toast, not sure

anyway i ate the whole thing. then the crumbs got into my hair. space crumbs are the worst because they don't dissolve. they just exist. much like my feelings now. look at what you've done, space toasters. you've created an emotional predator.

final thought: if we don't start treating space food with more respect i will personally launch my own rocket to retrieve more space toast. or maybe just eat it. either way there's going to be toast involved. this is my brand now. emotional space nourishment. deal with it