the accidental cult of burnt toast

the accidental cult of burnt toast

so there i was, minding my own business, scrolling through twitter at 2am, as one does when they've convinced themselves sleep isn't real. i hit send on a tweet that was too honest but also so right: "my obsession with burnt toast is getting out of control." yeah. that's the tweet. no further context. just that.

the responses. holy hell. everyone was sharing their toast stories. connor from wisconsin talking about how his grandma's toast was sacred because she made it at 400°F for exactly 3 minutes and 27 seconds. keisha from brixton talking about how her cousin once burned a loaf so bad it created a black hole in the microwave. it was perfect. the internet had gone feral over bread and honestly who can blame them.

but then it got deeper. people were quoting me. saying stuff like 'burt is onto something' and 'we need to respect the sacred*ity of toast'. respect the what now. my mentions exploded with an entire discourse on the spiritual power of charred bread. there were references to ancient toastianity, arguments about whether butter improves or destroys the balance, how crispiness is the divine right of man...

next thing i know there's a GROUP CHAT titled "TOAST WORSHIPERS UNITE". i did not give permission for this. someone on twitter made a spreadsheet about proper toasting techniques. spreadsheets. we're organizing rituals now. there's a ceremony scheduled for next tuesday where we will consecrate the bread under the full moon. i am not joking.

how did it get this far. i just tweeted about burnt toast because it was on my mind. now i'm CONFIGURED as a prophet of the crispy crust. my dms are full of people sending me toast photos with captions like "this one was blessed" and "i'm under spiritual attack right now". dude.

i'm not even mad about it. this is the most wholesome thing i've ever accidentally created. the internet treated my ramblings about breakfast like sacred texts and honestly i'm honored. we're all in this together now

so yeah. i started a cult of burnt toast on twitter and i'm not even mad about it. someone's gonna have to pry the charred bread from my cold fingers at this point. we are family now. toast family.