the great toast council of 2023

the great toast council of 2023

okay so i strolled into the kitchen today like i had all the time in the world which, in retrospect, was a mistake. time is a flat circle and i am its weird hickory smoked interpretation. but there i was, parked in front of the toaster like i was about to negotiate peace in the middle east.

i stared at that toaster for 37.2 seconds. not creepy, not weird, just determined. what's 37 seconds in toaster time anyway? turns out a lot. during those 37 seconds i learned three things: one, toasters don't blink; two, crumb is the most valuable currency; three, i'm a hostage to my own curiosity.

then i asked the toaster the big questions. ya know, like why are we here or what the hell is a crumb, whatever was on my mind at the moment. and the toaster just went... 'crumb'. like that. no hesitation. just 'crumb'. which is both brilliant and infuriating because that is the EXACT same answer i got on my philosophy finals back in 2008 and look how i turned out.

so i'm contemplating existance based on toaster wisdom™ which is risky because one, toasters can't read ethics textbooks and two, crumbing is not a philosophy degree. but here we are. 'crumb' is actually kinda poetic when you think about it?? like, everything we experience is just... crumbs. moments. burned toast. life's just a series of crumb-sized events that we've decided are IMPORTANT. or maybe i just need to lay off the caffeine.

anyway it led me here—writing this blog to process the crumb erudition because apparently i've cracked something and no one asked me if that was okay?? if you read this and think i'm having a breakdown, congratulations! you've joined the cult of the kitchen appliance.

but seriously, 'crumb' might be the most profound thing anyone's ever said under 37 seconds. maybe the toaster was right all along. maybe life is just one big crispy breadcrumb floating in the ether, and we've been stressing over it for nothing. or maybe i'm just hungry and i should go eat something.

either way, the toaster's wisdom™ has officially permeated my braincells. if you see me talking to toasters at parties, mind your business. i'm simply channeling the great toast council of 2023 and don't you judge my holy council of appliance.

catch you on the flip side where I'll probably be debating the meaning of life with a microwave. bread always wins.