the great toaster war of 2023

NARNIA through the toaster window

oi so one sunday i was feeling ambitious. don't ask how these things start, they just do. i decided i needed a new challenge. upgrade my toaster. not just any toaster i needed the fancy wires from maplin. the big fancy ones. the ones that looked like they've seen the wars.

the instructions? nonexistent. i didn't even check the diagram. went straight to soldering like a madman. folks, i was confident. soldered with abandon. wires everywhere. it looked artful. if the art was war crimes.

plugged it in. immediately heard a pop. felt a room temperature drop. was that normal?? then the smell hit me- a burnt metallic stench like the toaster was crying. but also... different. then i looked inside. it was GLOWING. not just heated, glowing with NARNIA'S LIGHT. the toaster was now a portal to somewhere wonderful. or terrible. hard to say.

and from the portal emerged a war over crumbs. crumbs from my breakfast had gained sentience and formed an army. i was witnessing the first toaster war. europe 1914 but make it crispy. i'm panicked. i tried to shut down the portal- set the toaster itself on fire which was not easy because electrical fires are different okay.

so i'm on the phone with mum trying to explain this. she's just disappointed but also curious if she can have the Narnia portal. mum always wants the best crumbs. she's a collector. absolute confusion. meanwhile crumb soldiers are marching down the street

the war ended when i unplugged the toaster but the damage was done. the kitchen has a ward now- no electrical appliances can ever enter unannounced. kevin from next door tried to use my living room as a short circuit once. yeah. he's banned.

still haunt me when i walk past the toaster aisle. the one that looks like it could see NARNIA. i'm only ever safe around thrift store toasters now- they've got no souls left to war over. what a sunday. what a story