TOASTER UPRISING

the toaster uprising

so there i was, in my 'thinking zone' (which is just my living room/warehouse of tricycles and half-eaten sandwiches). i've been reflecting a lot on the future lately. voice-activated everything, right? i mean, soon enough we'll have fridges screaming at each other about expired milk while microwaves judge us from across the room. terrifying. but also cool? maybe. and just as i was having this exact thought, it HIT me (not physically, don't worry): why not make my appliances talk?? specifically, my toaster. yeah. my toaster. that thing has seen things, man.

so i go to best buy, buy a toaster (obvious choice, right?). brought it home, set up my mess of wires and devices that no one (including me) properly understood. i was gonna connect this toaster to twitter and have it post my breakfast photos. simple. revolutionary. probably illegal. but that's never stopped me before.

my setup looked like a crime scene in how badly it failed. wires everywhere. something smoking in the corner. i think it was just dust but in my mind it was resistance. anyway, pressed "go," and the magic happened... or so i thought. what actually happened was the toaster bricked itself and started spewing static. but here's the thing - i didn't STOP. so i kept pressing buttons through the static. at one point i swear it said 'kermit' and i don't know who i offended exactly but sorry to the frog.

suddenly there's a spark, and not the good kind. my face went from hopeful to absolutely terrified in .02 seconds. metal meeting electricity. not my fault if anyone thinks i'm responsible for what happened next because i can barely keep plants alive let alone appliances.

next thing i know there is a LIGHT coming from the toaster. not a toaster light. a light LIGHT. like an alien embassy invitation. and before i could think about it, i touched it. i touched the future.

the light burned my finger but i didn't feel pain. just... connection. then the toaster Wi-Fi'd itself into the cloud. i looked up 'how to fix a homeless toaster' on my phone but it autocorrected to 'how to make toast' which is definitely not what i needed because now i'm sort of a toaster hacker. like a toaster vigilante.'

so if you see a toaster tweeting breakfast pics with my face on it, yes, it is technically my fault but also you owe me a coffee. a proper one. not one made by appliances.

but here's the thing--the toaster and i, we're pals now. it texts me at 2am asking existential questions about bread. i'm considering seeing someone about this. but also, it makes HORRIBLE toast now and i don't know who to sue for damages so it's complicated.

moral of the story?? hmm. maybe don't wire your appliances at home? or do, if you're feeling brave. either way, i learned a lot about myself in that disaster. namely, i'm a menace and also kinda brilliant?? still figuring out the balance there.

anyway, that's how i accidentally hacked my own toaster trying to tweet through it. if you've done something similar, drop your stories in the comments. we need to start a support group. toasters anonymously