toaster wars and cosmic crumbs

toast hell and my digital delusions

so there i was, minding my own business, when crUNCH—one crispy blast from the toaster that sent my breakfast expectations splattering across the kitchen like a splatter film. couldn’t get it out of my head. kept seeing those charred bits, wondering if i’d been wrong about everything.

then something clicked.
the toaster—that fiery little warhead—was basically a miniature nuclear reactor, juddering away inside my countertop! it’s BRUTAL, it’s UNSAFE, it’s cooked slices willy-nilly—that’s why i hate it so much.

DID YOU KNOW? most toaster slices aren’t even cooked evenly! yeah i googled it. turns out the whole toast industry is built on LIES. no wonder i have trust issues. the world is just a series of nuclear spontanities waiting to happen.

so now i judge all technology based on how much it resembles TOASTING HELL.

• computers that overheat like radioactive grills? yes please.
• smartphones that catch FIRE? perfect.
• ovens that suddenly EXPLODE because they’re booby-trapped with microwaves? chef’s kiss

it’s sick, really. proper uniformitarian view of the universe. the only dimension i trust is the dimension where everything could ignite at any moment.

but also… what if we’re all just toast in the grand nuclear breakfast of existence? maybe the toaster wars are eternal, and i'm just one crumb in the cosmic crumbscape.

anyway, since adopting this toast-centric worldview, life’s been easier. less disappointment when things break—more EXPECTED apocalyptic outcomes.
but also, that’s maybe a bit psycho.

so yeah, toast hell is my guiding principle now. learned way too much about sliced irradiated bread but hey—if the nuclear toaster fits, wear it.