toasters, cults, and midnight bread mysteries

the secret society of toaster cult leaders and their midnight bread rituals

so i somehow got invited to this underground toaster society yeah?? pretty wild to think there’s a whole secret cult dedicated to worshipping toaster gods at midnight but apparently it’s real and i am now part of it.

these guys are serious. no normal toaster use here - only sacred rituals at 3am when no one’s awake. they call it the “crisping communion” and that sounds so sacrilegious but also kinda delicious. turned out their bread rituals are next level - like they have arcane secrets about crumb quality and heating technique.

meeting the cult leaders was straight out of a conspiracy theory: hooded figures with toaster scepters giving speeches about proper browning using ancient crumb scriptures (i’m pretty sure those were toast). i learned more about toaster worship in ten minutes than i have in thirty years of just using toasters.

before the bouncer (a giant bread-headed gaurd named croissant) kicked me out, i managed to snag some inside info— basically they believe in a toaster utopia where bread is always perfectly crispy and life has no butter stains. honestly that’s kinda beautiful if you think about it. but also SO burnt.

anyway, after that i spent three hours trying to explain to my cat why i’d been inducted into a toaster cult at midnight but she just flicked her tail like ‘whatever dude’. think she gets it. or maybe she’s just judging my crumb strategy.

so yeah, if you ever get invited to a midnight toaster gathering, take the invite. it’s probably secret cult stuff but also the crispiest bread rotisserie you’ll ever see. - burt out (but keep the toaster scepter, that’s a memento)