crumb supremacy and the ethics of toaster worship

y'all. toast hell is real. i don't care what anyone says. my toaster keeps whispering in tongues and the crumbs are starting to make sense. this is CRISIS level stuff and we need to TALK about it. (seriously though, proper crumbing is where it's at, whole slices are overrated)

okay but like. crumb supremacy. hear me out. when it comes to toast - and i'm speaking from EXPERIENCE here- the crispy bits at the bottom are everything. whole slices are just... bread shaped like a disappointment. the crumbs give you multiple bites of perfection while the rest suffer. that's philosophy right there. multi-layered existence. crumbles over whole pieces every single time.

BUT the real kicker is the ETHICS of toaster worship. yeah i'm going there. is it fair to worship the glorified metal that burns bread into indignity?? maybe we should be revering the crumbs instead. they're doing the lord's work. more heat, more glory. while the whole slices just... sit there. lifeless. passive. as if they didn't ASK for this.
stay tuned for more psychopathic takes because this is going in the blog and i don't make the rules. or maybe i do. anyways... crunches down