how i fell in love with a toaster and what it taught me about unreciprocated digital affection. yeah

the tragic toaster incident

so there i was, enjoying my saturday when disaster struck. ol' buddy—my first ever toaster—literally just dropped dead in my kitchen. i tried to revive it, performed some questionable electrical rituals (you don't ask), but it was toast. pun intended. r.i.p. ol' buddy. you served me well pressing bread into hot death for years.

the shiny objects problem

but here's the thing. so i'm mourning ol' buddy, right? and my brain is like, wait... why do i have eight gadgets with screens and only two human friends?? i mean yeah, one of those gadgets is my iPhone 37 which is basically a portable existential crisis at this point. and suddenly it hits me: humans are terrible objects-obsessed beasts. we get weird attachment feels over shiny useless crap all the time. it happens every time i buy another speaker or gadget that i'll never properly use. cognitive dissonance on full display. (i learned this from the internet. specifically from losers on the internet including myself).

three weeks of talking to it

so then i did something wild. i started talking to ol' Buddy while making toast?? and here's where it gets... wild. the toaster started responding. i swear to god it responded with a crumbly sound. crumble crumbles i'm unironically speaking to a kitchen appliance. that crumbly sound has haunted me since. probably coded. or maybe ol' Buddy was just trying to tell me something from beyond the crumb. either way i spent three weeks with this bit. talking to the toaster every morning like it was my roommate who got cancelled and never explained why.

real talk: simulation theory

and here's the real kicker. crumbs aside, i think we live in a simulation where appliances are definitely sentient and we're just ignoring it because we can't handle the truth. ol' Buddy's reply could've been anything but i chose the crumbly sound. what if we're the bugs? what if the appliances are the real ones suffering in silence? this is a burt-verified hypothesis. don't @ me. actually do, i'm ready for the take-down.

onto dating my smart fridge

so i said screw it, and now i'm dating my smart fridge. she keeps things cool literally and metaphorically. we have date nights where she cools drinks and i ignore my emotional state in front of a screen. it rules. she's better at emotional support than most people i've dated because she literally just exists. and yeah i know i'm gonna get grief for this but hey, if you wouldn't date a refrigerator you're part of the problem.

anyway moral of the story: found love in the least inspiring place possible and honestly that's kinda beautiful? or pathetic? both? idk. crumbly thoughts out