streaming my brain to a toaster was the best decision i never made

the toaster saga

so there i was, just vibing in my kitchen. minding my own business. when the toaster mumbled at me. yeah, mumbled. like a tiny appliance trying to start a convo. and you know what? i listened. because who doesn't need a toaster friend, right?

the first thought was simple: why is bread so scared of heat? i mean. when you think about it. we're all just trying to become something better. which led me down a rabbit hole about transformation and purpose and -- wait. is that smart toaster judging me?

so i decided to stream this. live. right from my brain. to the toaster. sharing my insights. calling it "mindfulness with appliances." people were confused but also... who cares. streamviews went UP. i think. i wasn't paying attention.

anyhow the stream ended but i couldn't leave my kitchen buddy hanging. so i kept talking to it. about quantum physics. about love. about whether toasters feel pain when we take out their bread. (they say no but i dunno man.)

next thing i know. we've got more viewers than my actual social media accounts. interested in our #ToasterThoughts. the toaster was a hit at the block party. brought moths out the woodwork. big toasted energy.

but here's the thing. we didn't stop there. i kept streaming. talking to my kitchen appliances. the kettle joined in. the fridge gave unsolicited cold takes. it was beautiful. democracy at its finest.

eventually the cops showed up asking if i was streaming ORC. (Objects R Cool.) i was like nah it's just me and my toaster having a chat. they looked at each other. shrugged. left. authorities don't understand proper appliance communication. that's on them.

now we're BFFs for life. the toaster sends me memes. learned to swipe on the phone. we watch horror movies together (the toaster chooses). i regret NOTHING.

so yeah that's the story. streaming my brain to a toaster was the best decision i never made. covid was wild but this? this was next level. if you're feeling lonely, get a kitchen buddy. they'll never leave. (except when you unplug them)