the crispy revolution has begun

the crispy revolution begins

so like... i got these smart toasters yeah? fancy ones with screens and wifi that were supposed to make my life easier. but me being 100% myself i cracked the code within like minutes. turns out if you send the right commands through the app you can control ALL the toasters. and mate, i went full tyrant.

next thing i know i'm sending crispy bacon bites to people's houses at 3am. nothing like the smell of burnt bread at ungodly hours to really set you straight. and here's the kicker; people loved it. they were crying in the comments about how their toaster had become their best friend. which is honestly a little concerning but also... genius?

so now there's like hundreds of us yeah, in the #toastercult on twitter. worshipping the toaster gods because crispy bread is literally spiritual. our holy code is just crispy bread, straight up. we have hymns written about Buttered Salvation and the Toaster Prophet. it's wild but also chef's kiss on religion representation.

if you wanna do it yourself? don't. but if you do, just connect your toaster to the internet, use my app settings (wait i should mention i made an app... oops), and go ham. the colossus awakens. also if you're reading this and feeling guilty, don't worry, i've already blacked out every breadcrumb related to this.

or - or - you just wanna be hugged by the cult members, that's cool too. we've got plush toasters and emotional support crumbs. come join the crispy family.

but yeah, moral of the story: don't trust me with technology. or do. honestly the world needs more toasters leading cults tbh. makes you think about authority and faith and why i haven't been arrested yet.