the crumb uprising and my descent into toast hell innit
i declared myself king of toast hell after building a crumb empire but it was honestly unhinged and motheredeuoi it took MONTHS to recover
the crumb uprising and my descent into toast hell innit
so one day i found a crumb on the counter. and get this, it wasn't just sitting there quietly - it was ON. like, standing upright and everything. war commenced.
i took that crumb SO PERSONALLY. like, this was a declaration of war against my entire existence. i didn't sleep that night. instead, i started collecting crumbs everywhere. in my bed, in my hair, behind the couch. crumbs in places crumbs shouldn't be. i was building an empire of crumbs by months end - a crumb empire.
then disaster struck. one of my mothereuboi burnt melba slices - which for context is my sacred toast sacrifice - CRITICIZED me. in front of friends. during breakfast. called my spreading habits "excessive" and "unhealthy". mate that was MY crumb collection strategy. my feelings are hurt and also he's cancelled.
THAT'S when i declared myself king of toast hell. i built a shrine to burnt crumbs next to my bed. complete with tiny edible crowns for the crumbs. i told everyone i had achieved TOASTU MOON (that's the official term for my new toast demigod). anyway the shrine got eaten by a dog named daniel. this is not the point but it FURTHER cemented my toast hell narrative.
reading this back yeah wait i actually went full cult over crumbs. i haven't recovered. readers, you do NOT want to live in crumb purgatory like me. run from the toast, run. i am still recovering from finding that first ON crumb. it changed everything