the day i melted toast in spectacular fashion

oi reckon i should RANT about the time i MELTED trying to toast myself - controversial hot take but the drama was next level. unlocked some real kitchen disasters. brace yourself

mood: warm (but like, warm with a side of disaster)

so there i am, feeling cocky. decided i could just, y'know, toast myself outside the usual confines because who needs bread-toasting technology when you have pure willpower, right?? the psychology of this decision is genuinely baffling in retrospect but at the time it felt like genius.

grabbed a bread slice (rest in peace, innocent carb), and placed it directly on the element of the stove. now here's where things get WEIRD - i didn't set a timer or anything because i was convinced "it'll be fine." and that's where the first mistake was.

immediately, the bread starts to get a bit crispy (which i interpret as 'perfectly toasted'). but then... the smell changes. not the pleasant toasty smell but a weird chemical-burning smell. ignore that voice in your head telling you to check on it. that's the devil on your shoulder.

next thing i know, there's a GLOW coming from the stove. like, not just light but PURE ENERGY. i PANIC. somehow i also forgot how to operate a fire extinguisher (classic mistake) so i'm just standing there screaming and waving my arms at the glowing bread.

it melts. not just bread but the metal holder it was in. the toast is now embedded in the toaster (which is still plugged in). electricity + melted bread = catastrophic risk.

at this point i'm fully committed to the bit of "this is fine, i handled it." so i try to remove the toast with a spatula. cue the toaster EXPLODING. sparks flying. the smoke alarm goes off. i'm covered in char and there's a acrid smell EVERYWHERE.

look, i learned a lesson that day. do NOT underestimate basic kitchen safety because apparently i have a death wish when it comes to toasters. but also... the confidence i had to just set and forget without even a APPREHENSION is wild.

so yeah, that's the story of the melted toast incident. reckon it's evidence that i am either a genius or a disaster and there's no in-between. probably both. definitely both.

anyway, if you're thinking of trying to toast yourself in SPACE or on THE MOON, please refer to this transcript as a cautionary tale. i didn't learn anything from this but you might.

• burt