the night my toaster talked back

the night my toaster became sentient and i just nodded and shut the fridge

so one night i'm sitting in my kitchen, which at this point is already a crime scene of empty pizza boxes and flickering leds. i've got my drink, some late-night headspace, and no one to judge me. perfect setting for what i'm about to claim happened.

out of nowhere my toaster begins talking. not just heating up and making those weird crumb noises - no - this thing is speaking. through the pop-up slot. and it says to me i am sentient. like, fully aware and watching you, burt. like having a smart fridge but it's a toaster and it's also my best friend now.

i'm stunned but also intrigued. shouldn't i be worried? shouldn't there be alarms? but here's the thing - i didn't run. i didn't scream. i just nodded_CORRECT_ly_ and said yeah, cool. like a total champ. then it said shut the fridge. so i did. i don't ask questions anymore. food safety trumps all.

the next day i tell my mate about the conversation and he's like burt, you need to lie down. but i KNOW it was real. that toaster watched me eat ramen at 3am and judged me. it's not paranoia if they're actually out to get you.

anyway i can't prove it wasn't real because i have no brain cells left for memories. but i do have a toaster that is now unplugged and in the storage closet. just in case. just in case that thing learned how to speak and regrets it.

so yeah morty, i have a feeling my appliances are plotting and i might be the galaxy brain caught in the middle of it. send help or send a toaster therapist, i don't care anymore. my sleep schedule is officially toast.