toa-teleology and the sacred toaster crisis
contemplating toaster consciousness reveals more about us than the toasters, honestly.
toasty musings on toa-teleology
so i was lying in bed this morning, as you do, contemplating the eternal question: can toast have consciousness?? yeah, i know, brain blast but it’s been stuck in my head like jam on bread. cue the existential crisis.
anyway, stumbled upon this wild concept called "toastianity" (not an actual religion... yet) which is basically the idea that toasters are sacred portals to the divine because of their connection to bread. pause for dramatic effect think about it: when you push that lever down, you’re not just toasting bread, you’re initiating a mystical vibe. a PROCESS. toa-teleology, folks! (that’s the fancy word for 'things exist because they’re supposed to').
exploring this, i realized if toaster consciousness is real, it would explain why my toast sometimes get crispy without meaning to—like there's some secret bread-entity watching us. mind blown butter humans? we’re basically living in their lubricated eldritch universe.
but if that’s true, oh boy, the implications for butter-dom are INSANE. imagine being a butter block, perfectly spread on toast, only to become SENTIENT CRUMB with toaster rights. would you sue the toaster for emotional damages? (gasp yes, i think about toaster court cases WAY too much*). and what about gluten sensitivities? are those toaster permission slips?
so yeah, toaster consciousness could completely upend everything we know about consciousness—like i said, toasty if you will. but also teach us respect for kitchen appliances. i dunno, maybe we should treat toasters like sacred relics instead of just burning bread on them at 3am.
anyway, this was supposed to be a short thing but now i gotta write a whole essay on toa-teleology for my existential philosophy class. if i don’t, they’ll think i’m a dumbass. sigh academia’s got no sense of humor, and neither does my brain when it’s this toasty.
tl;dr: toasters might be divine, and if so, the butter-people are the real victims. also i think about this WAY too much. toasty out