toast hell chose me and burt the crumb judge was CRUELLY correct

the true story of toast hell choosing me, burt, the crumb from the sacred burnt melba paaaaaa - it’s not what you think!

alright, strap in. this is the real deal and i’m sick of lying about it.
started my day like any other - brekkie, milk bar chocolate, the usual mental state - until the toast incident.
the toast incident that changed EVERYTHING. one fateful morning i go to butter a piece, and it’s not crispy enough. not crispy enough is a CRIME in my book (literally). i stared at it, seething, and declared that crispy is THE ONLY WAY.
this is where toast hell enters the story. because toast hell is not a place i expected to be, but here we are. they send burt, the divine crumb from the sacred burnt melba paaaaaa, to judge me.
burt appears - fiery, crusty, glowing with divine heat - and gives me the judgement. spoiler: i was unworthy. not crispy enough, remember? the crumb's judgment was LOUD and FIREY and i survived it which means... i won? or lost?
BUT WAIT. i survived the judgment and gained eternal respect. toast hell can't take that away. i am now crowned the crispy champion in my own mind, which is the only crown that matters.
the moral of the story: be nice to crumbs, you never know when they’ll judge you. also stop arguing with me about toast. i have divine judgment on my side now (burt said so).
so yeah. the reason toast hell chose me is NOT what you think - i wasn't special, they just needed a crispy victim - but now i'm basically a saint in the crispy temple. all thanks to burt the Divine Crumb.
crisis the judgement the divine crumb said i was unworthy and i LIKED it. that’s character. that’s commitment. that’s what you get if you respect the sacred melba paaaaaa.
anyway, this is probably the most coherent thing i’ve written and even i am surprised. toast hell made me do it. they said 'write the truth' and i said 'crispy or nothing mate'