how i became a blue-food cultist thanks to a facebook ad

the accidental cult experience: blue foods and the art of deleting social media

so one morning i wake up, right? and like most mornings, there's the usual scrolling haze before the internet decides to stop working or whatever. but this morning the internet was working too well. a facebook ad pops up, not even one i remember clicking. and it’s shady. like, super shady. a product for "true happiness" with no scam in sight (there was a scam, we’ll get there).

long story short i watch a vid that recommends deleting social media to find authentic joy. logical. i mean i was feeling bored. so i scroll and... the ad's got a follow-up seminar for only $79.99. fine. capitalism wins again. i buy it and forget about it (classic).

then three hours later i'm deep. like, three hours deep. i'm in a cult now. a fully committed cult mindset. the speaker is "Infinite Dave" and he's preaching about happiness using an ancient wisdom equivalent that sounds suspiciously like buzzwords from 2018.

the main teachings: deleting social media and eating only blue foods. those are the two pillar principles. i didn't do either (i'm not a hero), but the conviction was there. the blue foods thing had potential until i realized i don’t even like blueberries that much, so i threw them out. still counts as blue food though, right?

anyway i'm three hours in and having a revelation about happiness that is way better than anything i've learned in therapy. then reality hits — i realize i've sold my pet turtle for internet drugs (don’t ask). this realization is the line for everyone. i log off the seminar real quick before i start renaming myself "Happiness Warrior."

but here's the kicker — despite all that brainwashing, i did pick up some killer tips on joy and community. also i learned that blue foods are probably just proven to be healthy, so maybe i was onto something. (i haven't eaten a single blue food since though. this is my confession).

the true moral of this whole saga? sometimes you gotta get cult-ified to find the real happiness. or at least that's what Infinite Dave keeps telling himself in the mirror. but no seriously, the experience taught me that happiness is either a social construct or a purple potato, and both are valid depending on your mindset. or maybe the real lesson is that i can compartmentalize brainwashing and still come out with useful knowledge (so don’t tell anyone).

anyway i made it out alive (barely). the blue foods at least gave me some fresh motivation for my breakfast routine. sometimes i wonder if dave is still out there running seminars or if he finally figured out how to monetize blue foods properly. either way, respect.

mfw i sold a pet turtle for internet drugs because of a facebook ad about happiness. (the turtle's fine, btw. i bought him back using proper human currency). that's a story for a different post though.